Potential Trigger Warnings: Miscarriage and Failed IVF. Please read with caution.
Yesterday was Mother’s Day here in the US, and it’s definitely a bittersweet holiday for me. As most of you know, my husband and I have tried to conceive since we got married. This October will mark our 6 year anniversary, so that’s a long time. In 2021, we got pregnant naturally, and I miscarried before our baby had a heartbeat. Since I wasn’t far enough to know gender, I assigned her one and named her Tilly.
If you want to read the full story behind this, you can check out this post. Please note the Trigger Warnings.
Earlier this year, Hubs and I went through the IVF process, transferring two embryos, and losing them both. Again, before heartbeat. So, I’ve lost 3 babies in as many years. It’s been heartbreaking and devestating.
Also, to keep my sanity, I assigned a gender and named my babies. Baby one is a boy, and named Emory. Baby two is a girl and named Maggie. Both are parts of my heart, and parts of me that I will never lose. I do believe I will see them someday, and will be able to let them know just how much I love them and think about them every day.
My point of all this isn’t to trigger you, or to whine about how hard it is to lose babies. If you know, you know. I don’t need to tell you. My point is, if you’ve been in my situation, and you’ve lost babies, you are still a mother. I believe everyone who has been pregnant is a mother. There is a difference between a Mother and a Mom. A Mother is someone who has been pregnant or has given birth. A mom has been someone who has raised a child, either through circumstance or choice. So you can be either or both, depending on your situation.
I am a mother, but I am not a mom. Someone who has lost babies and has adopted, is both. Someone who has only adopted is a mom. There are so many labels we can put on our identities as women, but the bottom line is, whether you have kids who got to stay with you or not, and you miss them every day, you are still a mother. You get to celebrate this beautiful holiday.
My husband makes me one of my favorite meals every year for Mother’s day. Biscuits and Gravy. YUM! He makes a huge batch, and I get to eat it all week for work lunches. Trust me, I feel spoiled. It’s a lot of work, and exhausts him, but looking forward to that meal makes missing my babies just a little bit easier.
Do I still miss them? Absolutely. Do I enjoy getting spoiled? Yep!
Both things are true. But that’s what makes Mother’s Day so bittersweet.
If you are struggling with your own issues around this time of year, please either leave a comment below, or shoot me an email. You are not alone and if you need someone to talk to, I am here. I can also direct you to some online free support groups if you are looking for additional support. You do not have to go through this by yourself.
Until Next Time, Friends!
