I’ve been thinking about forgiveness a lot this morning. I drive by a church on my way to my day job every morning, and it always reminds me of something that happened to me when I was in my early 20’s. The person involved attended that church at the time, so it’s not like it’s a weird “adhd random” reminder. He and his wife had started a weekly game night, and had invited me to join in. It was also a bible study of sorts, which I was happy to be a part of.
The issue was, they were baptist, I was non-denominational, so our beliefs were “somewhat” different (read: WILDY opposite!) so bible study was interesting, to say the least.
Now, I was not the quietest person about my beliefs back then, and could be a “little” confrontational, which gladly has softened some over the years.
Unfortunately, at one point, I received a phone call that went something like this:
Me: are we doing game night this week?
Jane: No, we decided to cancel it. I spoke to your mom.
Me: Oh, ok. Well, if you start it again, let me know!
Jane: Will do. Have a good day!
Now, one thing is that it’s really sad how I can remember almost 20 years later how the conversation went. That’s how much it hurt. The reason it hurt is because she lied to me. The only phone number she had was my cell phone number, so there was no way she could have spoken to my mother to let her know about game night being cancelled.
The other reason it hurt is because of regret. I regret not standing up for myself and calling her out on her lie. I regret not forcing her to tell me the truth about why she didn’t want me at game night. Because I’ve spent 20 years wondering. 20 years regretting not being a better person back then, and 20 years being hurt over something that to some people might seem small.
I hate being lied to. Lies hurt way longer than the truth.
Epiphany: this interaction may be part of why I hate playing board games. Part of me is triggered by the rejection I received from people who are no longer even in my life. Board games remind me of that.
If she had told me the truth right away, yes, I would have been hurt, but I would have gotten over it much sooner. That’s the thing about the truth. We recognize when someone is being truthful, and we recognize when our own behavior needs to change. When someone lies to us, we are never given the chance to change, to evolve, or to grow. I will never know the truth about why I was uninvited from game night 20 years ago, and I will never know why she chose to lie (probably to avoid hurting my feelings).
One thing I do know… I’m not going to spend another 20 years being hurt about it. I made a choice this morning. I’m going to choose to forgive.
Now, you may be asking me, why did I say that forgiveness is a one-way street?
Because it is.
Forgiveness does not require talking to the other person.
Forgiveness does not require the other person knowing you chose to forgive.
Forgiveness does not require anything other than a choice in your own heart.
YOU choose to forgive.
Jane will never know that I’ve spent 20 years being hurt over her lie. She will never know that I spent 20 years in unforgiveness toward her and her husband for said lie. I never spoke to her after that conversation. I never wanted to. But that’s the thing about forgiveness. She doesn’t have to know. Forgiveness isn’t for her. For all I know, she may have spent the last 20 years regretting her lie, and may have wanted a chance to come clean about it. Not my problem. My choice doesn’t affect hers, and vice versa. I choose to forgive her, whether she chooses to apologize or not.
Forgiveness isn’t for the other person. Forgiveness is for YOU. It’s so YOU can let go of hurt and emotional baggage weighing you down.
My father was not a nice person to me while I was growing up. He was not a nice person to me during my early adult years, and he was not a nice person to me until about a year before he died. If I had told him that I forgave him, however, he wouldn’t have understood why. He never once thought he did anything wrong. He had this idea that he was the perfect father, and took credit for a lot of what my mom did for my sister and me.
I had to make a daily choice for YEARS to forgive him, and even went through therapy to deal with the trauma from my childhood.
You know what? Best. Decision. Ever.
When I chose to forgive him, I chose to let go of so much of what was dragging ME down, even though he never once knew I had made that choice.
Forgiveness is a one-way street. It never once requires the participation or knowledge of the other person. It doesn’t even require that the other person “deserve” it. Because forgiveness isn’t for THEM. It’s for you. So YOU can let go of the baggage.
I made the choice to forgive Jane and her husband this morning, so I can let go of the baggage holding me down. Unforgiveness is such an ugly creature. It’s diabolical, and will hold on for years if you let it. I let unforgiveness toward Jane hold me down for too long. I’m letting it go today. What will you let go?
If you’ve enjoyed today’s blog post, please leave a comment below! I’d love to hear from you! Let’s chat! If you want to share about someone you’ve chosen to forgive, you can leave that below, or you can shoot me an email using the contact form below. I’ll be happy to encourage you along your forgiveness journey! It’s not easy, but so worth it!
I know this blog post was a little different than usual, but I hope you got something out of it! If you have something you’d like me to talk about, or a book you’d like me to read on this subject, leave a comment below! I love personal development, and forgiveness has always been a subject of interest to me. It’s honestly something I can talk about for hours, so if you get me started, be prepared!
Until Next Time, Friends!
